March 20, 2009

Dear people with HUGE trucks:

So, you drive a truck that is the length of two midsize sedans, has tires that are up to my shoulders and a smokestack that is the size of my waist. Can I guess the size of your penis?

The reason I bring this up is because big trucks are EVERYWHERE in this city, the majority of them driven by college guys who are complete duschebags. Whenever I’m driving a bus on route, I’ll get cut off at least twice by a massive truck going way over the speed limit through a school zone. Or they’ll pretend they’re driving a Mini Cooper and forget that they CANNOT MAKE THAT TURN WITH ONCOMING TRAFFIC. Minions…

Why do you need a truck that big? WHY? This isn’t the country, you don’t own a lawn care business, and you aren’t carrying anything in the back of it. Plus, how much gas are you using? Do you want to know why car companies like GM and Ford are going bankrupt? Because most of the cars they sell are completely uneconomical! (They would certainly be hurting in this bad economy even if they did sell economical cars - but at least they would be afloat.)

The only logical reason I can think of is that you’re compensating for SOMETHING. When I say you probably have a small penis, but I’m really using that as a metaphor for your lack of... whatever.

Dick size, of course, does not constitute the worth of a man. In fact, I hate that men, in general, try to prove their “manliness” at all. It’s just a MANifestation of gender roles in our society. I hate that people feel they need to act in a certain way or that they need to prove something about themselves because they’re a certain gender.

This is why I consider myself gender-queer, because I don’t conform to the gender roles set forth by today’s society. I’m very comfortable with my identity as a male, so much so that I can bend that identity.

Instead of trying to see ourselves as “this much of a man” or “this much of a woman,” we should really be looking at the merit of ourselves as a person. To that end, I do like the idea of measuring a person by the amount of balls they carry. Now I know this is stemmed from the man-dominated ideals of society that associate certain aspects of the self, like courage, to men's genitals, but it’s just funny. You certainly don’t have to be a man to have huge balls – just look at Hillary.

So, next time you see a huge truck in the middle of the city trying be all macho, throw something at them. Something cheesy.

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