August 17, 2011

The Vodcake business plan...

So, for the past few weeks I've actually been considering giving up alcohol, mostly because it's too expensive and the nights usually end with me taking naps with random boys on the train and unintentionally planking on the sidewalk in front of hot dog stands (yeah, I totally wish that was creative exaggeration).

But now that cake-flavored vodka (which I have shortened to vodcake©) has come into existence, this is entirely impossible. My body goes into shock if I don't have a cake batter milkshake at least once a week, and now that I can put vodka in it without ruining the taste I will be drunk 25/9. See? Already happening. (Note to all friends: I fully expect a cake-flavored ice-cream cake full of cake-flavored vodka on my birthday.) (Do not try bake a cake with cake-flavored vodka in it because the alcohol will evaporate and your attempt at getting me drunk will have failed, which would be sad.) (If I do not receive said vodcake ice-cream cake I will put a baby screech owl on each of your chests while you sleep so that when you open your eyes you will all have a heart attack and die.)

Upon this idea of making the best milkshake that has ever existed ever, ever, I heard the distant chimes, bells and whistles of an approaching Mr. Frosty truck, and the sound of children laughing, running after it and falling on their faces. I said to myself, "I wish I could get a vodcake shake, right now, from this ugly, bullet-proofed truck."

This small idea yielded this series of tweets (mostly between me and the amazing @Brittasticle):
@jasonsimone: THEY MAKE VODKA NOW THAT TASTES LIKE CAKE. How do I miss these things?
@Brittasticle: What??? Where did you find such a thing?!
js: Behold: http://t.co/BohYVjp Also: http://t.co/UCJq1mLTHEY HAVE WHIPPED CREAM TOO.
B: Holy delicious cocktails batman!!! I think my weekend just got better. And I thank you. Haha
js: I really want a cake batter milk shake with cake vodka instead of milk.
B: Vodka cake shake! It's about to get real.
js: This could be an amazing entrepreneurial opportunity. An ice cream truck that serves vodka cake shakes? HELLO!
B: And the truck's song could be "Milkshake" by Kelis! What about dancers who appear out of the truck? Too much?
js: I think burlesque dancers shoving cake in each others face would be a good touch.
B: It's almost too perfect. But...would we have to give them a cut of our profit?
js: They're getting free vodcake.
js: Quickly, someone who knows how to write a business plan, help me out with this. The world needs easily accessible cakey alcoholic shakes.
js: .@Brittasticle will head up the NC truck, I'll take on NYC. The entire East Coast will soon be drunk and singing our praises.
B: and then? The world.
js: Also, we will make dairy free options, so even if you're vegan or if dairy gives you the runs you can still enjoy a vodcake shake.
js: After the truck operation becomes too small, @Brittasticle & I will invest in a cruise ship. A cruise ship full of vodcake.
js: By the way, VODCAKE is now my favorite word and I'm ©ing it right now so none of you can have it. But you can still buy my vodcake shakes.
js: I am now seriously looking into the possibility of this happening.
js: 1991 Chevy Ice Cream Truck w/Cold Plate + New Generator | eBayhttp://t.co/QUHAfdn SOMEONE BUY ME THIS SO I CAN FILL IT WITH VODCAKE
Anyone who considers me their friend or acquaintance should now send me $5.00, all of which will go towards the purchase of this ice cream truck:

You may be wondering about the implications of serving alcohol from an ice cream truck, which is (I guess) marketed towards children. You may serve up cigarette ads running on the sides of ice cream trucks as an example of destroying today's youth. But let me inform you that MTV is doing a far better job at destroying today's youth and that our trucks will not at all be targeted to anyone under 21. Unless you have fake ID which case by all means HAVE A VODCAKE SHAKE.

Our trucks will have pictures of rocket ship penises drawn all over them with golden-sparkly spray paint, and will alternate between blasting gangster rap and Kelis's "Milkshake". We will bring all the boys to the yard, and they will be naked. The burlesque dancers on top of the trucks will also be naked, and shoving vodcake-cake into each other mouths. We will park our trucks outside of gay bars, strip clubs and heavy metal concerts. And Baptist churches. Because they really, really need some vodcake.

As per our Twitter business plan, we will begin our operation in North Carolina and New York City, because that is where we are located and we are too lazy to drive to Miami where this would probably be more profitable. But that doesn't really matter because Chelsea Handler will hear about us after a week and we will appear on her show, after which we will expand to 1,500 trucks in operation on the entire East Coast, in California, and in Russia (because that's where vodka was born and the blood alcohol content of the entire population is 98% 100% of the time).

Once everyone in those areas is wasted we will go global, investing in trains, planes, blimps, and cruise ships. They will all be filled with vodcake and feature such first-class amenities as a personal milkshake mixer, a travel-size fridge in the shape of a backpack, day care, and on-site EMS. We also have plans to expand into space. We are in cohorts with NASA to develop a large satellite in the shape of phallic bottle of vodcake, and our family vacation plans will be on a sliding scale, so that everyone, not just the super rich, can get drunk in space.

Obviously this is the best idea that anyone has ever come up with ever, ever, and if you want to be a part of it we still have a few open positions for slutty truck-top dancers and a rocket ship engineer. Please send your resume, cover letter and recent photo to slut #1 and hiring manager, @ThomasSaylor. Pay is based on experience and how well you can hold your liquor.

xoxo

5 comments:

  1. I am adding Slut #1 to my resume on LinkedIn immediately! This is the start of something big.

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  2. You're hilarious. Also, I'm going to look for this cake-flavored vodka. I am dubious since I'm more a rum girl but I do like the idea of ice cream and alcohol. I'll let you know how it goes ^_~

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  3. We need to have a 50's themed vodcake cocktail hour, complete with a vintage milkshake machine. We really, really do!

    PS - I LOVE YOUR BLOG ENDLESSLY

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  4. lol love this. I would totally buy a vodcake milk shake from you

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