December 6, 2011


I hate being sick.  It makes my quarter-life-crisis, fuck-the-world attitude pretty pointless, because I don't even have enough energy to crawl out of bed and glare menacingly at people on the subway.  In spite of this, I somehow made it to work a few days this week, where I gleefully hacked pints of mucus into peoples' pristine facial treatments.**

But in all seriousness, I get very depressed when I'm ill.  I lay in my bed surrounded by clouds of tissues and only get up to pee or fetch my eye mask out of the freezer (it helps with swelling, which you should try, I mean, look at those bags).

My pessimism is multiplied ten-fold by my recent obsession with Breaking Bad, because I imagine myself coughing up blood instead of snot, and having to call my family in tears because I have stage four lung cancer and that I don't want treatment because I don't want to live my last year in this world on a hospital bed (if you aren't following this story line, then stop everything you're doing and go watch Breaking Bad on Netflix).  And then I get even more upset because I have/had family members who are battling/battled cancer and I just feel like a dumb fuck because really, I have some gunk in my throat and a headache - I'm not dying.

After an hour-long cryfest like that, the only things that can bring me up are some smart-ass e-cards! changed my life a few years ago.  They are often crude, usually offensive, and most-often politically incorrect.  They're kinda the best thing ever, apart from vodcake and stilettos.  And they are perfect for Facebook walls.

Here are a few Get Well cards I sent to myself to make me feel better: - Cheer the fuck up. - While I find your religion hateful, closed-minded and utterly ridiculous, you are still encouraged to pray for my recovery. - I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure a Nyquil margarita will solve all your problems. - Try looking at your scrotum as half full, rather than half empty. - Congratulations on contracting your first non-sexually transmitted disease. - May this card serve as adequate substitute for my lack of genuine concern regarding your recent health issue. - Good to see that your horrible, debilitating cold hasn't kept you from looking at internet porn.

**to protect my job, I guess I'll have to spell it out for all those who don't quite relish in my sarcasm.  The truth is, I'm kidding.  I only coughed on one person's face.  And she liked it.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Speak your mind! *muah*