September 24, 2012

Meet Frederico - Naming Insecurities, Part One

I’ve been told that one of the first things out of my father’s mouth when I was born was ‘he has my hairline.’  It's been described as an “exaggerated M” and a “severe widow’s peak”, but there really isn’t any use in trying to define it.  Bottom line: if the sides of my forehead were the legs of women in the 1800s, I would be arrested for showing too much skin.

I only became truly self-conscious about my hairline when my style evolved from I-can’t-be-openly-gay-but-I-can-wear-mall-goth-pants-and-ties-with-tshirts into the more feminine peculiarity I have now.  The deep Veronica Lake side part I so long for can’t happen because there’s just no hair there, and any pin-up efforts look as though I stuck weave on my forehead with a healthy dose of eyelash glue.

I assured myself that this was normal, because really, it is a common hairline for men to have; however, it isn’t very common for men to emulate the hairstyle of Hollywood bombshells on a lazy afternoon, so please, give my despondency a break.

Frederico, in the buff
One night I read a few comments on YouTube that went something like “You have the worst hairline of all time!  It must be hard being a tranny and going bald.”  After tearing up a bit and eating a stick of frozen cake batter (because that shit hurt, ya’ll), I came to the conclusion that if someone cares enough about my hairline to take time out of their life to hit me with a troll stick, then they probably have a even larger hunk of insecurities and no idea how to deal with them (i.e. five nipples and a serious case of uncontrollable anal burping).

I walked into my bathroom, wiped a squashed cockroach off the corner of the mirror (this was during my brief stay in a 12-bedroom hipster den), and pulled my hair into the highest, tightest ponytail I could.

“LOOK, ASSHOLE,”  I said, aggressively pointing to the lack of hair above my temples, “I know we kind of don’t get along and your mission in life is to make me feel insecure about vintage hair styles, but can we make some sort of peace treaty?  Like, can you just hang out and be chill if I put sunscreen on you everyday and find some sort of style that makes you feel confident and comfy?  Hell, maybe we can even be friends one day.  Nice to meet you, um… Fred… -erico.  Frederico!” 

Now every time I glance at a reflective window while walking down the street and see Frederico sunbathing on my head, I just smile and say, “You’re so silly!”  Funny enough, after a little recognition and a simple hairflip, he usually retreats back to his study where he writes all of these blog posts to read a Russian love novel and have a productive crafternoon.

Frederico sunbathing
He’s also become quite the celebrity!  When someone mentions him in a comment online I always reply with an invitation to his official Facebook fan page, and send them a VOTE FOR FREDERICO button in the mail.

This doesn’t, however, mean that Fred and I don’t have our quarrels.  I yelled at him the other day because he would not leave me alone while I was crimping my hair to go out.  He gets annoyed when he’s not on the guest list for a party I’m going to, but a quick spray of Elnett in his eyes usually calms him down.  We’re well on our way to genuine symbiosis. 

If you ever see Federico out and about, feel free to wave and say hello – he loves making friends!  And if you don’t like him and think he’s an abomination, he asked me to say (NOTE: I’m very sorry about this – he has quite the potty mouth – please don’t shoot the messenger!), “Please go fuck yourself with something hard and sandpapery.”

Feel free to share stories about your own insecurities - I'd love to meet them.

Frederico, impersonating Ron Swanson


  1. ugh... I never visit your page enough and whenever I do I am not disappointed. I loved this post and I'm so glad to hear about your burgeoning friendship with Federico.

    My list of insecurities is ridiculously long. I'm even insecure about how insecure I am. Neurosis much?

    For now I will share about my gaps. I have horrible gaps in my teeth that my friends claim they barely notice but I know look like white-washed prison bars. I grew up in foster care and the state couldn't care less about some insecure teen girl's struggle with self-esteem. braces were not a priority for to the state. They never got fixed and I can't afford to do it as an adult. I just have to live with them and remind myself that it's okay to smile with my mouth open (still learning).

  2. I always thought you had beautiful hair. Your hairline never crossed my mind and I mean that most sincerely. Plus you have so many great hats, turbans, scarves, sunglasses and accessories, it doesn't matter in the end what Federico does or doesn't do - you'll make it work. And if in the end, Federico wins out you can cover him up with Marilyn, Lauren, Marlene, Ginger, Raquel, Angelina, Jennifer, Nicole and Jean. No worries - live for the moment! - Dylan A. Kent

  3. Darling, not to try to put Frederico down or anything (God knows he has his own worth and beauty), but the truth is that you're SO much more than Frederico. So very much.

    A hairline, however prominent or not, cannot obfuscate your charisma, amazing personality and, yes, dashing beauty. All so effortless, all so utterly natural and unique... Fred it's only but a tiny part of you.

    Still, Frederico is one hell of a guy. I'd rather have have Frederico as company than, let's say, those two sad old Debbie-Downers: Bruno Bitterness and Francesco Frustration.

    Those two have the power to drag someone to their lowest, like leaving absurdly ridiculous comments on YouTube videos regarding other people hairlines and how that one stranger should feel miserable about himself.

    Frederico and Jason, don't let anyone convince you that those fuckers, Bruno and Francesco, are any good to have around (even for a second). Thus, be good to each other and never, ever stop being fabulous.

  4. I've spent the last four years being insecure about every detail of my life... Am I too fat for my partner? Doesn't he like my face? Is it because I have outbreaks of spots? What about my boobs?

    All in vain, it never made the slightest bit of difference... So now I'm making the joint decision with the mirror to not give a crap. If my hair wants to be put in a scruffy bun with bits of hair sticking out then FINE. If I want to wear a jumper with a slight hole in it... FINE. If I want to leave my brown roots grow out over my platinum blonde, so be it brother!

    I think you're beautiful, stay that way so we can all be jealous!

  5. What is wrong with people ? You and Frederico always look flawless and fabulous !! And you are awesome for embarrassing your insecurities, And I wish I had some that could impersonate Ron Swanson, I would be the happiest girl on the planet!

  6. You. rrrrrrrrook. MAAAHH vuh luss. Trolls be hatin' trolls. Me finks theyz enjoyz hates too much. Save a frozen cake stick for me. Even worse when a close friend or a sibling is a stalker/troll. Quite disturbing. You win and they suffer in the long run.

  7. Fuck Freddy, he could never hold you back anyways, you're too creative to let him come between you and your style. Love, GiGirox <3

  8. My boyfriend has the same hairline. He's always been a little insecure about it too. You're not alone! But you know what? I almost never notice it. I'm too distracted by his gorgeous eyes and beautiful hair (which I'd like to point out you've got going on as well).

    As for sharing the insecurities, I've still not quite made peace with my prominent Armenian chin. I never thought of naming it. It should probably be called something like Della...something bold and not-very-me. I've gotten to where I don't hate Della anymore, I just don't wear certain earrings and lipstick shades that make her stand out, and pray to god she doesn't get big zits on her because nothing draws attention to a body part like a big red dot. And with time, I'm sure we'll develop the same symbiosis you have with Frederico.

  9. The only thing better than Frederico is how fantastic you are Jason~! To be completely honest, I watch you every Thursday on androgenetics, and I've never noticed Frederico! When i first saw this post, i thought you were going to boast about having the "fiercist-eyebrows-a-man-can-have" in the world named Frederico. But instead i end up reading about one of your insecurities. I think to myself, "How can Jason have insecurities? He's so fabulous and gorgeous! He displays no such insecurities on Camera". It's weird how our brains are programed to get so many compliments, yet we end up focusing on those darn insults, i mean comments, fucktards use behind a computer screen. Isn't it wonderful that we live with out insecurities unnoticed forever, and we unfornutately notice them until some ass-hole points it out. Gurl! Your hair line is fine, and i'm not just saying that because i think it's "an acceptable hairline", whatever that means... I've seen plenty of gorgeous pictures of you and not once did i think to myself "HMM, Jason has a funky hairline". I'm glad that you and Frederico are working out your relationship. But, don't fret on it much Jason, because I assure you, It's unnoticeable compared to your Glam.

  10. Tell your father that I got his hairline as well. ;)

    Here's an archived example: (remember, this was a long time hair was altogether bad, not just my hairline!)

    It bothers me daily, and I've been too cowardly to wear it out since high school, although I REALLY wish I could so I'd have more flexibility with styles. However, I can honestly say that I've NEVER noticed it on you! Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to rock a new style, and when I feel insecure, I'll think of Frederico, and you! :)

  11. I was going to suggest you shoot Frederico in the taint with a staple gun, but after reading what Iris said, I modify my line. You and Frederico should fall in love and join the George Clinton funkadelic mothership and rock out the future with all life forms in peace and love, hold hands, make rainbows and staple gun the fuck out of the haters together.That would be my advice anyways...

  12. oh my gaawd the last picture and its title made my day, i am lying here in my room by my self, laughing. thank YOU!


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