November 29, 2012

How to Onion


While last winter was very mild by north-eastern standards (as I've been told by many tried and true New Yorkers), the various parts of my body prone to losing precious heat were very quick to advise that my lack of proper cold-weather attire was a paramount problem.  I taught myself how to put on thirty different things at once, and successfully avoided getting frostbite where it counts.

Now we are entering another frosty season, and my fondness of layering has bled into other aspects of my life.  Case in point: After years of despising them, I now like red onions.  There is something about peeling back layers of potent skin and rooty meat that makes my taste buds have a dance party.  Clearly this is an obsession I can really only enjoy in the comfort of my tiny kitchen, crying buckets of happy tears in my sink.

My new nomnom craze has not, however, caused my fondness of sweaters-over-sweaters to wane.  As such, I decided to combine my two loves.  Behold the magic of layering onioning for autumn - aforementioned root on my head for emphasis.

#1 - I began with an appropriately wrinkled (texture, people!) print dress with heavy tights and a hoof-like shoe that is impossible to walk in (because after one block my thighs begin to burn and after two I'm drenched in sweat - so basically heels=heaters).  Fleece-lined tights, if you can find them, will keep your lions super toasty.  Dress from Target, found the tights in my dresser when I moved, shoes from Senso

#2 -  Then I took my favorite comfy-slouchy-silky long-sleeve and threw it over the dress.  The length lets the under-layer remain visible but isn't too short to look choppy.  I don't. like. choppy.  Notice also that a definite prerequisite for this layer is that either sleeve hits the hand just above the knuckles.  This will allow for some smexy sleeve cleavage later on.  Giorgio Armani top via Goodwill



#3 - Since layer two added an initial cozy factor but not any viable insulation, layer three commands some serious heat action in the form of a slightly loose-fitting sweater with a glorious cowl neck that I can pull over my face to prevent frostbite.  I methodically placed let the bottom hem land wherever it wanted to for that chic desultory look which is impossible to actually acheive.  Also note that the sleeves are slightly shorter than the shirt underneath.  Major sleeve cleavage happening!  Sweater from Goodwill



#4 - I already felt quite toasty by this point and my onion was rather bruised from numerous collisions with the ground, but I felt inclined to finish what I started.  I threw on this coat which I adore because it's very heavy and warm but doesn't render my upper limbs immobile.  I like to wear it slouchy and open because otherwise it's like an oven, and because I like seeing the fabric orgy underneath.  Also, the lining is a printed disco, so when I open it to flash people they aren't entirely offended.  Rachel Roy coat via Buffalo Exchange



#5 - The icing on my onioning cake is in the form of textured accessories.  Beanies and brooches were born to be together; destiny I say!  Also, I learned from a boating safety class in middle school that your head and groin lose the most body heat, so you can't see it but I put another adequately-brooched beanie on my crotch, too.  The scarf is this weird velvety fabric which actually feels kind of creepy against my skin, but it has cute little flowers on it and has stellar babooshka potential.  Beanie from H&M, scarf from Goodwill


The severity of this winter, I'm hoping, will yield a decent amount of snow.  I was immensely disappointed in last year's display of occasional flurries and lack of accumulation.  I want to see real snow, universe!  And I know this request is going to bite me in the ass when there's three feet of snow on the ground and it turns to black mush and all that jazz, but I'll ride in that sleigh when it gets here, okay!?

Until then, please remember to wash your hands after playing with smelly vegetables.  Happy onioning!



PS - Happy late ThanksGIFing! (no I didn't come up with that...)
Photos by Lydia Hudgens

3 comments:

  1. After I had my first red onion, I never ate a white one again I think. They are just not half as tasty. And nowadays I'm able to slice them without crying a lot, because of the secret spoon-in-your mouth-trick. *g*

    But I fear I still fail to master the art of onioning - looking like some sort of old, homeless grandma without her cart, every time I put on a lot of layers. An old, gothic grandma but that doesn't help a lot in terms of style in this case. ;(

    Anyway, these gifs are hilarious and stylish too.

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  2. I've been visitting your blog for a while but never posted a comment... silly ;)
    I just want to say that you are such a beautifull person and I looove to read your posts. I think you should finally write and show to a public eye something I could actually get in a bookshop :D
    PLus I enjoyed watching the onion dress party ;) The coat is AMAZING.
    Can't wait for the next post.

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  3. you KNOW how I feel about onions......

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